Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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