the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
