Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
