just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
