I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
