the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
