Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
