2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
