dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
