I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
