i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
