o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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