I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
