you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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