I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
