When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
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i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
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you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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