Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Randomize
Follow @tfln