I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.