There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
3pm strippers are depressing
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
