I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
