Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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