I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
