He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
