That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
