rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
