If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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