Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
