The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
