There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
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