It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
