I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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