Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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