Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
