I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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