I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
