Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
