Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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