I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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