All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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