Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
