Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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