Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
