So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
