Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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