apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
