blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My dick has a subreddit
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
