Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
