I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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