Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
