Banned from zoo.
Again?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
