Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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