This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
