the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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