It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
